When Peaple Say Things…

Mar 16, 2011 by desiringvirtue

…when you are about to get married:

“It’s good that you are getting married so young, that way you can get the practice marriage out of the way!”

…shortly after you get married:

“If you are still together after three years you can be confident in your marriage.”

…when you tell people how many kids you want to have:

“We’ll see how you feel after the first one!”

…also shortly after you get married:

“Don’t rush to have kids, enjoy your time without responsibilities!”

…when someone finds out you want to be a stay-at-home mom:

“You will regret it. It is a lonely life that will make you will feel trapped.”

…after you have had a couple wonderful children and talk about wanting more:

“Not for a while I hope!”

…when your kids are sick and you have had a really long day:

“And how many did you say you want to have?!”

…Just Breath

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

People say things. Each of these things have been said to either Richard or I, some of them were said by family members. I am sure that you can think of instances in your own life when people have said things they just shouldn’t have said. On the outside you maintain a pleasant demeanor, but on the inside you are either crying or fuming.

How do you respond to such crushing words? How should you respond? Do you let them discourage you? Do you let them plant bitter seeds in your heart toward that person?

Let me encourage you with these thoughts:

1. Always assume the best.

This is part of the “believes all things, hopes all things” of the 1 Corinthian love described above. Try not to assume that they mean to hurt you or attack your theological position regarding your family life.  Maybe they thought they were being helpful in their remark or simply didn’t realize their words would be hurtful. We are all humans and all make mistakes in our speech. Perhaps this is just one of those times that this person made a mistake, maybe they wish they could take it back.

For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. (James 3:2 ESV)

2. Forgive.

Sometimes people do mean what they say. Sometimes they believe your choices to be irresponsible or ridiculous. Sometimes their words are just too crushing to see good in. In those instances, you must simply forgive them. You must remember how great your offenses are to the Lord and how much you have been forgiven, then forgive the small sin they committed against you.

but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:15 ESV)

3. Use the moment.

Don’t let the moment pass you or the speaker by. Take the time to explain how you feel about marriage, children, etc… while the topic is at hand. Encourage them to view the topic from a biblical perspective rather than a worldly one. This can be awkward, especially if the comment was said in jest. But your testimony to them means nothing if they don’t understand why you are living the way you are living (i.e. your long and happy marriage will be seen as a “lucky break” to the person in the second example unless you confront that person with the truth saying, “We will not get divorced because we are Christians and our marriage is held captive by the Word of God.”). This may also help them to encourage you in your pursuit of obedience to the Lord rather than discourage you. -Or at least it will remind them not to say that particular thing again!

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. (1 Thessalonians 5:14 ESV)

4. Seek out encouragement.

Your husband is your leader, your authority, your partner in this life. You two are in this together and if you are convinced that your decision (or whatever the subject is) honors the Lord, then there is only reason to rejoice. Sometimes you have to remind each other of the Word and the importance of pleasing God rather than man. Go to your husband and fellowship in your obedience. Ask him to pray for you to not harbor any resentment toward that person.

And when they had brought them, they set them before the council. And the high priest questioned them, saying, “We strictly charged you not to teach in this name, yet here you have filled Jerusalem with your teaching, and you intend to bring this man’s blood upon us.” But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men. (Acts 5:27-29 ESV)

5. Challenge yourself.

Is there something you could have done differently to keep them from saying such a thing? Did your attitude display something that you were unaware of? Do your actions betray your convictions? Are you less than affectionate toward your husband when you are around other people? Were you particularly frazzled and noticeably irritated by your child at that particular moment? Look for anything that could have given them the wrong impression and do your best to learn from the experience. Challenge yourself to take captive your words, expressions, and actions. Make sure that they align with your convictions. Maybe the Lord wishes to point an area of sin out that you were previously blind to.

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