How to Mother Your Husband

May 14, 2011 by desiringvirtue

November 10, 2009

All the premarital books and classes warn against it; I never thought I would struggle with it; somehow I began to do it. What is the dastardly deed that I am speaking of? Mothering your husband. It is something that slowly makes its way into your speech, creeps into your facial expressions, and alters your submission. Submission? Really? Yes. When you begin to treat your husband like a child and take the role of his mother, you place yourself in an authoritative position within your relationship.

This is something I never would have imagined struggling with, I mean I love my position as my husband’s helper! I am not looking to usurp his authority, in fact I welcome it! So how is it that my sinful flesh has found this chink in my armor and created friction within my marriage? There are many possibilities, some of them rising from good intentions and some from prideful ones. All I know is that hearing your husband say, “you are treating me like a child,” and then hearing the voice of your old pastor in the back of your head saying, “he married you for a wife, not a mother,” is not a good feeling. Because this has recently come to my attention I want to take a few moments to contemplate what it looks like to mother your husband and alternately what it looks like to trust/submit to your husband. For this I am going to enlist the expert’s help (the one who has been mothered by mwa). So without further ado, here are our findings:

1. You mother your husband when you expect him to do things your way and become frustrated when he chooses not to. My husband has a different way of thinking about things, planning things, and executing things. When I look down upon his methods and expect him to fall in line with mine (even though they may not be better), I am treating him like a child and telling him to submit to me.

Trusting/submitting to your husband means believing that he is competent and that his methods have merit and value. Obviously discussion is the key here. The first step to understanding another person is to talk to them and find out what they are thinking. I usually fail at this point when I assume that I know what Richard is thinking rather than asking. Ultimately I have realized that there is a certain level of trust that must be my first reaction to differences. I should not assume that he is doing something the wrong way, but simply a different way.

2. You mother your husband when you tell him what to do. Originally I thought that there were good intentions behind this, but am now convinced that even my good intentions have caused me to sin (by usurping my husbands authority). Usually I tell Richard to do something instead of asking him to do it because I don’t want to give him an option (especially in areas I know he is going to disagree!). Ultimately I do this because I want to control the situation; meaning I don’t want for him to control it. Realizing the heart of this problem has really been a shocker for me. Could it be that I am this sinful? Yes, it really could.

Trusting/submitting to your husband means gently asking him to do something rather than telling him to do something and then being content with the results. Again, communication is key as you try to engage your husband with your motives and point of view. Most of the time knowing the reasoning behind your desire gives your husband the opportunity to agree or be persuaded, while telling him what to do conveys that you do not trust him and believe he needs leading .

3. You mother your husband when you use a condescending tone while talking to him. This can happen when you think he is doing something he shouldn’t be (mothering), when you are not happy with something he has done (mothering), or when you try to manipulate his actions (mothering). Somehow this tone is something we as women are either born with or hear so much growing up that we instinctively use it when trying to control the people in our lives (namely our husbands and children). It conveys an attitude of superiority and says, “you are so stupid.” Of course this is something I would never think, much less say out loud, and yet it is exactly what my heart is saying through my tone of voice to the most precious person in my life.

Trusting/submitting to your husband means always speaking in a tone of respect and admiration. This can be particularly hard when you disagree, but is a particularly good tool in putting to death the flesh that seeks to destroy.

I am sure that there are other ways to mother your husband, but these are the particular areas that I struggle with. Can you think of any others? What are ways that you struggle in this area? It may be a good idea to enlist your husband’s help in order to see the blind spots you may have missed. As always, the Lord is so gracious to reveal sin in the hearts of his children and I am so grateful that he has made this one known to me. I am also very, very, very grateful for such an understanding, loving husband who bears with me in my sinfulness.

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