Katie’s Story of Grace
I’m amazed that I even have a story about God’s sweet grace to tell. It’s astonishing to me that the Lord of the universe would make it possible for any of His creation to stand before Him in righteousness–that He would choose me to be one of His children is absolutely insane.
Before I knew Him I was a mess. I was angry and manipulative and I lied all the time. I didn’t care about others–I only cared about what others thought of me. I tried my hardest to be a good person, but in my attempts to seem like a good person, I was actually deceitful and overbearing and generally an incredibly unhappy person. It was pointless trying to be good, because try as I might I could not be as good as I knew I was supposed to be. And so I continued to struggle with anger, manipulation and deceitfulness.
I was raised in the Catholic church and my parents always did a great job at making sure that I knew what we, as Catholics, believed. I hardly ever missed a Wednesday night religious education class and was an altar server two seconds after Pope John Paul II allowed girls to serve in that capacity. I completed all four (of the seven) sacraments that were appropriate to me, and my mother always made sure I knew by heart the important prayers. I was a good Catholic girl.
I made several gigantic mistakes growing up and was involved in some fairly serious sinful activities, but on the whole, in my eyes, with the exception of my natural personality (you know, the manipulation and the lying, and the overbarring-ness), I thought that I mostly came across as a “good girl.”
After graduating from high school and my father’s retirement from the Air Force, our family moved from Washington State to Texas. I began attending college and because I knew religion was important, I immediately joined both the local Catholic church and the large para-church non-denominational Christian organization on campus.
One night a Christian friend of mine asked me some specific questions about my faith. I didn’t know what to tell him. I knew that I believed there was a God and I believed that his Son, Jesus, died on the cross for my sins, but I didn’t really know what that act had to do with me. I wasn’t really sure how it was supposed to affect my life. I knew the answers I was supposed to give him about Catholic doctrine, but I realized then that I didn’t know these things for myself—I only knew them because someone else had told me the answers.
Throughout the next few months I spent a lot of time reading about Catholicism. I read books upon books and articles upon articles covering what I was supposed to believe and I used my Catholic Bible as a cross-reference hoping to find those beliefs proven as true in the pages of Scripture (somewhere, by the grace of God, I had picked up and believed heavily in the inerrancy of Scripture). Much to my dismay I could find nothing in my Bible that upheld the doctrines I held so dear. I was crushed. My whole life–my whole world–was nothing but a fraud and everything I held dear was nothing more than lies. I studied like this for an entire semester and found myself, through it, talking to God in a way I never had before. I began going to my friend’s church and I began hearing the truth—the Gospel–on a bi-weekly basis.
Through this research & attendance of a Bible-believing church, the Lord showed me the real truths of the Bible. He taught me that I was a sinner and had fallen short of the glory of God (Roman 3:23). He taught me that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried to be a good person I was still going to be angry and manipulative and a liar—because it is impossible to keep all His commands. He taught me that the wages of those sins that I’d committed is death (Romans 6:23) and no matter what I did to try and earn my way to Heaven, it would never be enough. I was headed to Hell because of my blatant disobedience.
BUT He also showed me that (don’t miss the second part of Romans 6:23!) the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord!! He taught me that I couldn’t be the person I always knew I was supposed to be without Him. Most importantly He taught me that there is only one way to God–that Jesus is the only mediator between God and myself (1 Timothy 2:5). He showed me that Jesus is the perfect, sinless one. He was the only human who could sacrifice Himself for the disobedience of everyone else. God demonstrated His love for us in that even while we were sinning against Him, He sent Christ to die as the punishment for our sin instead of us (Romans 5:8). Jesus’ death on the cross satisfied the wrath that God was completely righteous in having against me because of my disobedience to Him. Furthermore, He taught me that because Jesus died all I had to do was confess that Jesus was Lord and believe that God raised Him from the dead and I would be saved (Romans 10:9). Jesus’ resurrection from the dead proved His deity and that He had truly conquered death.
These truths astonished me—why would a perfect Man die in my place? Why would the Son of God sacrifice His closeness and His relationship with God to die for ME!? I learned that it was because Jesus loved me that He died for me—so that I could enjoy a relationship with Him—with God. Realizing this totally changed my life. Nothing else mattered near as much as these new-found truths; only my relationship with Christ mattered. I began filling my time with learning about Him, knowing him better, loving Him more, and in turn, loving others more.
It has taken a long time for me to understand that there is nothing I can do to find favor with God. I spent the first three or four years of my Christian life immersed in legalism—trying to do my best to obey, to follow God’s law, and to love Jesus in all my strength. It has been a long process, and continues to be one. Before salvation I was taught that the things I did would give me a right standing before God, and so after salvation I was sure that if I just figured out how to obey Him biblically, He would be pleased with me. I’ve spent hours studying, memorizing, and dissecting verses on anger and manipulation and lying. I’ve journaled about and meditated on my sin for longer than that! I’ve wasted so much time focused on myself, on my sin and short-comings, in an attempt still to be that “good girl.”
It’s taken much prayer and study and many humbling confrontations to bring me even to where I am today–which is to say not very far–I still struggle with thinking that I can redeem myself. However, He has changed my heart and my mind: God has changed me from a person running after what I thought I needed to DO to get to Heaven to someone who knows that it’s only because of Jesus (and not the good things I do) that I can be sure that I’ll go to Heaven when I die—and of that I am quite sure!
Today I have a peace and a love of Jesus that comforts me (Romans 5:1). I know with all my heart that Jesus died for my sins and that’s enough. I no longer need to scrape by barely obeying—attempting to meet God’s standards on my own. I no longer need to worry myself silly every time I sin. My standing before the Lord has nothing to do with my performance. It has everything to do with Jesus’–and His is perfect. Jesus is enough. His sacrifice–His love–has set me free. It’s hard for me to explain the love of Jesus. It’s like nothing that I’ve ever experienced before. It’s unconditional and it’s perfect and it’s the one thing in my life that can never change: Jesus will always love me. And so, in light of who He is, how can I not pray to Him ceaselessly, think of Him regularly, study His Word obsessively, and obey Him with all my heart?
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How encouraging, thank you for sharing Katie
. Have you read Jerry Bridges book, The Discipline of Grace? I never realized how much I tried to earn God’s favor by good works until I read it. It was so convicting! I grew up in the church and was saved young, but even though I wasn’t catholic, like you I tried so hard (and failed) to be the good girl. Thank God that He has attributed Christ’s righteousness to our account! Bc ours could never cut it!
Oh, Katie! Thank you for sharing this. I could so relate to that feeling of trying to be good under my own steam. It’s so humbling to realize that we can’t do it, and that God is what we need, isn’t it? The knowledge that Jesus is enough is so amazing!
Have you read Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman? She talks about that struggle to try to be good and to redeem ourselves. I found it very helpful.
Thank you for sharing this! I love the stories of God redeeming sinners; He’s so kind, merciful and patient with us.