When Mother’s Day is Painful
My first official Mother’s Day was a painful one. A few months before we had lost our first baby in an early miscarriage and now I was pregnant with our oldest son Elliot. Only about a month into his pregnancy I was full of mixed emotions, both joyful and fearful, both hopeful and timid. I was still mourning the child I had lost and afraid of losing the one now growing in my womb. Mother’s Day wasn’t a celebration for me, it was a reminder of the blessing that could be taken from my grasp at any moment–a reminder of the dream I could at any moment awaken from.
Before losing our first baby I was only vaguely aware of the many women around me who either struggled with infertility or with lost pregnancies. The pain and sorrow so many of my sisters-in-Christ were experiencing was a far off notion, something I assumed was happening, but could never truly understand. The depth of pain experienced and the breadth of women affected by such grief was beyond my knowledge. I was blissfully unaware of the realities of infertility and pregnancy loss.
Now, in the middle of the most common years for childbearing, I am surrounded by sisters who have known the pain of losing a baby in the womb or who wrestle with the unfulfilled longing of motherhood. The percentage of women who experience such sorrows is higher than I would have ever imagined and the need for compassion and understanding toward such sisters is a genuine need within the church.
Are you aware of the women around you who have recently lost a child? Do you know which couples are struggling with infertility? As in all circumstances we are called to look outside ourselves and care for those around us. While we may be celebrating the joys and privileges of raising children for the glory of God, others are wading through the mirky waters of grief, trying desperately to honor the Lord in their unfulfilled longing for children. Are you willing to be sensitive to the needs of these dear sisters?
Recently the issue of infertility on Mother’s Day was highlighted by Dr. Russell Moore as he encouraged churches to remember those who will find this day to be a difficult one:
What if, at the end of a service, the pastor called any person or couple who wanted prayer for children to come forward and then asked others in the congregation to gather around them and pray? Not every person grappling with infertility will do this publicly, and that’s all right. But many will. And even those too embarrassed to come forward will be encouraged by a church willing to pray for those hurting this way. The pastor could pray for God’s gift of children for these couples, either through biological procreation or through adoption, whichever the Lord should desire in each case.
Regardless of how you do it, remember the infertile as the world around us celebrates motherhood. The Proverbs 31 woman needs our attention, but the 1 Samuel 1 woman does too.
First, please avoid making a distinction between mothers and non-mothers in a physical way (e.g. having all the moms stand up or giving flowers to all the moms). I well remember sitting in a Father’s Day service where all the dads were asked to stand. I felt like there was a huge neon sign over me that kept flashing “not able to have kids, not able to have kids.” My wife felt it keenly as well: she began to weep. The most pastorally sensitive leaders I know avoid this like the plague. Instead, they acknowledge the day and proceed to pray earnestly for the full range of emotions that are being experienced on that day (since it is often quite painful, not just for those unable to have kids, but for those estranged from their moms, those moms who are estranged from their kids, those who have recently lost a mother, etc.).
This leads to the second thing. As Moore indicates, it is important to recognize that there are many conflicting emotions going on during a Mother’s Day service. It is crucially important to pastor all the people through that time.
Today my sweet friend Melissa shared a similar plea to pastors which I feel can be helpful for all church members to remember:
If you know a woman in your congregation is struggling with infertility, chances are she’s fighting to filter her pain through God’s Word. And no matter her degree of biblical literacy, she probably feels like something is missing in her life. It is all too easy to believe the lie – like the earth’s very mother who fell prey to the seduction of the seemingly lovely and profitable forbidden fruit – that a good gift is being withheld from her unfairly (Gen. 3:1-5). So, the recognition of individuals to whom much has been given can be a bitter pill to swallow.
Similarly, motherhood is often celebrated in our churches solely for what we possess. Timely (and appropriate) verses like Ps. 127:3-5 adorn our prayers and power points on this day:
“Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them;
They shall not be ashamed,
But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.”
Yet as true as Psalm 127:3-5 is, when we speak those words without the balance ofbiblical perspective we mistakenly make motherhood solely about the have’s and infertility about the have not’s. And before we know it, we’ve missed a crucial part of the biblical story – how God works in and through his people for his eternal purposes. How HE is the ultimate reward for those who trust in Him to build their home (Ps. 127:1-2).
I would like to remind us women of the church, as this “holiday” approaches, to be purposeful about caring for the needs and emotions our sisters may be going through. Whether you are yet in a position to have children of your own or you have been blessed by the Lord with the gift of children, remember that Sunday will be a pointed reminder of loss and grief for many around you.
Would you pray for these precious women and their husbands?
Would you write them a note of encouragement acknowledging their lost children or their unfulfilled desires?
Would you bring them to the Father of Mercy and Grace who withholds no good gift from his children without purpose?
Would you make it a point to not forget their struggle as the days continue on and their longing is not satisfied?
Would you be their friend, their prayer warrior, their shoulder to cry on?
We are all members of one body. As the church of Christ, our sister’s pain is our own pain. We must deliberately seek to encourage those who are in the midst of struggling to find joy and contentment with the providence of our loving God. We must acknowledge the very real pain they are feeling and direct them to the overwhelming joy and hope found in our Savior Jesus Christ.
If you are currently struggling with miscarriage or infertility, what are some ways you have been blessed by other sisters-in-Christ? How can those who have never experienced such loss or pain most encourage you? Please share your thoughts in the comments…
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I could hear an audible sob from my husband, but couldn’t bear to look back at him. My eyes wouldn’t move from that computer screen, the screen projecting our lifeless baby girl. In grainy black and white we watched as the technician traced his mouse over her tiny, motionless heart. I struggled as tears fell from my eyes and my chest began to heave.
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