When God Asks You For Your Isaac

Nov 9, 2011 by desiringvirtue

I could hear an audible sob from my husband, but couldn’t bear to look back at him. My eyes wouldn’t move from that computer screen, the screen projecting our lifeless baby girl. In grainy black and white we watched as the technician traced his mouse over her tiny, motionless heart. I struggled as tears fell from my eyes and my chest began to heave.

A baby girl.

How often I had hoped and dreamed of raising a daughter, a woman I could disciple in the ways of Biblical femininity, a little girl who’s hair I could braid and decorate with ribbon, a baby who would wear sun dresses in the summer and tights in the winter. But none of that mattered for those few minutes in that dark room. All that mattered was that she was dead, my little baby was dead.

Sleepless nights, hopeless days, blood shot eyes and puffy red faces: tokens of a sorrow running deep within our souls. And yet beneath the wavy, turbulent surface of our lives there rested a deep and abiding Spirit, a Comforter who anchored our faith.

“Will you give me your little girl?” I kept hearing those words over and over again.

With trembling lips and a frail countenance I offered her up to him as often as he asked; “Yes Lord, she is yours, I give her freely.”

Some wonder at our devotion to a God who would take something so precious from us, who would allow us so much hurt. Others look at us as spiritual giants who seem to possess such incredible faith. And all I can reply to both is, “How could we not love him? How could we not be completely devoted to the one who has given everything for us?”

If you truly met this Savior who loves his redeemed so deeply and serves them so faithfully, if you could see his blood stained brow, his nail pierced hands, his bleeding side, and you could hear him say he did it all for you, you too would give him everything, you would give him anything.

It is in these moments when I feel I can taste the devotion, wrought by the Spirit of God, tested by trials and upheld by his faithfullness, that Christian maturity longs for. It is at times like this that I can faintly taste the faith of our father Abraham, a man willing to do the unthinkable, because he trusted in the goodness of our God.

These most vulnerable of times, these most humble of moments seem to lift us to the highest of heights. We seem to almost feel God’s overwhelming presence. When our lives are stripped bare and we are left with Job’s bewildering poverty there is nothing to be seen but the fortitude of our faith, nothing but the grace of God bracing our frail spirits.

It seems that love is proven not in the heights of ecstasy, but in the pits of despair, when there seems to be no visible reason to give God our affections at all. Here in the pit of loss and longing our love is tested and tried. Here we are proven to be his beloved children, those who have been transformed by the inner working of the Holy Spirit, slowly being fashioned into the image of his Son.

And how brightly the Son shines in the darkness of despair. How lovely does he appear to his bride when she needs him the most, when she is shivering with grief. He, who cares so deeply for our every hurt, our every pain, carries us through such difficult times-times when our legs give way and we fear we will never again walk back into the light.

No, when he asked for my little girl, for my Anastasia, I couldn’t deny him. I could only thank him for the honor and blessing of carrying her for 17 weeks and then give back what was never truly mine to begin with.

When he asked me if I loved him, I could only respond with “How could I not?”

Related Posts: One Picture, The Lord Gives and The Lord Takes Away, The Joys and Sorrows of Miscarriage

Linking this post up at: Time Warp Wife and Raising Homemakers

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First Things First

Sep 27, 2011 by desiringvirtue

My husband has wanted to be a pastor since his salvation. He loves the Word of God and believes in its power to transform lives. The one thing he feels called to do, the one thing he desires to do is minister to the people of God through the proclaimation of this most important resource.

This is the man I fell in love with. The young, passionate, driven seminary hopeful who planned to be in a pastorate position within about four years of beginning seminary. This is still the same man who holds my heart today, but much to our surprise our lofty goals have not come to fruition.

You see, a year into seminary we were blessed beyond measure to become parents. There we were, an already poor seminary couple, searching for a job that would allow me to stay home with our precious little boy and pay for seminary and be flexible enough to allow Richard to actually attend those seminary classes. It turns out such a position is a rare find indeed.

The past three and a half years have been a procession of new jobs, new schools, new cities, new apartments, repeat, repeat, repeat. Trying to find the perfect fit in order to accomplish our goals has been a challenge to say the least. Time and again we have had to evaluate our priorities and motives to make sure that we are not worshiping a goal rather than the God we adore.

Richard, who has always been a devoted husband and father has had to continually place his dreams of finishing seminary and becoming a pastor on the alter of God’s providence. He has had to sacrifice his desires for his God-given responsibility to provide for his family and trust in the gracious will of our Lord.

As time passes his longing to be in the ministry full time has not lessened, but opportunities to progress through seminary have inched along at a snail’s pace. Bills must be paid, health insurance must be secured, and little mouths must be fed. All the while there is ministry to be done in our local church, the church where God has planted us.

All of this has led us to purposefully seek the Lord’s will for our family. After all, it’s not that complicated is it? God lays out our priorities pretty clearly in his Word and beyond that we have great freedom in how we walk in obedience. We are free (within the bounds of scripture) to pursue our desires, our dreams, our passions and see whether the Lord blesses the path we choose or leads us down another road altogether. In the end it is our relationship to the Lord and how we manifest that relationship in our lives that truly matters, not what title you have before your name or what degree you are able to acquire.

One late night as we honestly and brokenly talked through our goals as a family, we found ourselves writing out a mission statement to live by. We took all the things we knew were the most important, the things we care about above all else, and packed them into one sentence to help remind us that no matter what job, what city, what home we found ourselves in, as long as we were faithful to our mission we could be content and even joyful.

So what have we chosen to focus on as a family? What have we chosen to focus on personally as we seek to live out our faith? I want to share our mission statement with you in the hope that it may encourage you to truly focus on the things that matter, the things that are important in God’s eyes.

Our Family Mission Statement:

May this be the cry of all our hearts and the path that we walk for the rest of our days. May we trust the Lord to bring about this kind of obedience and joy throughout every circumstance, trial, and blessing for his glory and our good.

Photo Credit: When The Golden Sunrise Was Behind Us

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The Thorn

Jan 21, 2011 by desiringvirtue

“I stood, a [beggar] of God, before His royal throne and begged Him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own. I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart I cried, ‘But Lord, this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart. This is a strange and hurtful gift which Thou hast given me.’ He said, ‘My child, I give good gifts. I gave My best to thee.’

I took it home. And though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore, as long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more. I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace: He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.”

-Author Unknown

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One Picture

Jan 20, 2011 by desiringvirtue

Joy.

That little apartment was beaming with joy. Inside was a young wife who had just confirmed her suspicions-she was pregnant. Life was blossoming within her and she couldn’t contain the smile it produced on her lips.

“Hello little one,” she sang as she gently caressed her now precious belly.

How would she tell her Love? How should she share with him the most wonderful news of their lives?

She raced to the store to buy a statue of a man holding his newborn baby-she remembered her love admiring it before. Soon she was in her galley kitchen mixing the batter to a cake she would ice blue and pink. She quickly prepared the tiny home for her Love’s arrival, made their favorite dinner and queued the movie to just the right place.

There was his key in the door. That familiar sound sent excitement through her veins as she put on the most ordinary face possible.

“I want to eat in here tonight,” she said motioning into the living room where the baked tortellini was sending steam to the ceiling of the enchanted room.

“Ok, what are we watching?” His eyes moved from the little laptop screen to her coy face.

“Oh, I was watching Made for Each Other, do you want to keep watching?”

Always up for a Jimmy Stewart film, he settled into their couch and marveled at the cake. “Wow! What is the occasion?”

“No occasion, just felt like baking…” Did he not notice the color scheme? Oh never mind he will get it soon enough she said to herself.

The movie took up where she had stopped it: John Mason opens the note slipped to him by his wife and he slowly grasps that they are going to have a baby. As the couple on screen exchange bewildered expressions the little wife sitting next to her unsuspecting husband presented him with a gift. His confusion fell to the ground with the wrapping as he helds the final clue to his future.

“No way!”

“Yes.” She nodded her head through tears and they embraced. That night was filled with laughter and talk of the future. Images of a beautiful child flashed in their imaginations as they spoke of the experiences to come. They threw off any fears that some might suppose accompany such news and thanked their Heavenly Father for the gift of life produced through their love.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” -James 1:17

Their child was shrouded with prayer that night. That night in January of 2008.

Pain.

It wasn’t normal. Surely she shouldn’t be feeling like this. Is that blood?

“No, God, please no.” Tears formed pools of sadness in her eyes. She looked out the window and prayed to her Father, but in her heart she already knew what was going to happen.

The next day the young wife and her brave husband sat in a dark room next to the glow of a computer monitor showing their baby. Their precious baby, so small, so miraculous.

“It is hard to tell at this point,” the caring voice cautioned, “Usually there is a heart beat, but sometimes not yet.”

Not yet? Could the young wife cling to those words? “Can we have that picture?” she asked hesitantly.

One picture. One piece of evidence. Proof that a baby had existed. One glimpse into their possible future.

They left that room with uncertainty, but the next few days of anguish confirmed the young wife’s heart knowledge.

Her baby was taken from her. In a war of horrid pain her baby was snatched from her womb. Where life had once been, there was only stillness. In the final hours of February 25th the young mother and the young father she loved lost their baby. A still silence punctuated only by their soft whimpers filled their tiny apartment. Her mother, the bereaved grandmother, sat close by stunned by the utter sadness. What words were there to say?

Silence was broken by the young mother’s feeble words, “We should pray.” The young father, her love, lifted up their little family to their good God. They asked for peace, for comfort, for joy. They asked for clarity and trust. Their hearts cried out to the One who took their baby, the baby he had given them.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” -Job 1:21

“Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” -Job 2:10

Sacrifice.

The pain didn’t go away. She carried it with her everywhere she went. It was heavy at first, strong like the waves of the ocean. Each baby she saw seemed to push her back down into memories of a lost future. Push, push, crash, crash. As she worshiped alongside other families on Sundays she silently cried, longing for what they had, longing for her baby, her lost baby.

But her pain wasn’t wasted. It wasn’t for nothing. Every tear, every longing was a sacrifice she offered up to her God, beautiful incense. She begged her Savior to teach her the lesson he intended for her to learn, that she would have the ears to hear it and the heart to grasp it. She gave him her pain and asked for his strength.

She asked him to be strong for her and he was.

“Who is like the LORD our God, who is seated on high,  who looks far down on the heavens and the earth?  He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap,  to make them sit with princes, with the princes of his people.  He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!” -Psalm 113:5-9

Every day she grew stronger and slowly the waves got smaller. The Lord brought new blessings into her life. She would never be the same. Her faith was deeper, more real than it had been. She walked through the fire of affliction and was more beautiful because of it. She loved her God with a more natural, more pure love. Her praises were filled with memories of of pain and deliverance; her testimony one that had been tried, tested. She was thankful, thankful for the pain.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” -James 1:2-4

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Knowing Jesus

Jan 5, 2011 by desiringvirtue

This was the first year that Elliot was able to participate with us in the “Trimming of the Tree”. Needless to say, he LOVED helping carry the balls from their box to our ready hands (which were not always so ready due to the lightning fast speed at which he was carrying them.) Our hands quickly filled up with these simple ornaments inscribed with the names of Jesus.

Let’s just say, the picture I had in my head of us slowly hanging each ball and reading them out loud to each other… even looking up verses to support a few of them didn’t quite come to fruition this year. It was more like a race to spit out those precious names and hang them on the tree before another ball broke. Ah well, that is the way it goes with a two year old. I am still glad that we have begun this tradition and look forward to next year when I suspect we will have more time to digest each name together.

Now as I sit next to our little Christmas tree and gaze at names such as “The Founder and Perfecter of our faith” I am reminded of how little I know Jesus. That might sound like an odd statement, but not if you knew what I just read a couple nights ago:

“There is a direct correlation between not knowing Jesus well and not asking much from Him. A failure in our prayer life is generally a failure to know Jesus…  And the implication is that those who do ask-Christians who spend time in prayer-do it because they see that God is a great Giver and that Christ is wise and merciful and powerful beyond measure.” John Piper, Desiring God

The Founder and Perfecter of our faith. Wise. Merciful. Powerful beyond measure. How little I know my God. I ask so little of him and so much of myself, as though I am the founder and perfecter of my faith.

Where does Piper get this correlations between knowledge of the Holy God and our prayer life? In an oft overlooked place to be sure. It is the story of the Samaritan woman found in John 4:

“The Samaritan woman said to him, ‘How is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me, a woman of Samaria?’ (For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, ‘If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.’”

This is the same idea that we get from Matthew 7:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.  Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”

Do I pray? Yes. But not nearly enough. Not like I know him. Not like I’ve seen him calm a wave or raise a dead man to life. No, if I knew him like that I would ask him for anything and everything-all the time.

So I am asking the Lord Jesus Christ, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, to perfect me. I want my husband to be able to say, “My wife knows the Lord; she asks him for miraculous blessings on my life and ministry.” I want my children to be able to say, “Our mother knows Jesus; she talks to him every day and asks him to protect our souls.” I want to be able to say, “I know the Lord. He answers my prayers and brings glory to himself through them.”

I want to know the Lord. Don’t you?

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The Valley

Dec 20, 2010 by desiringvirtue

Lord High and Holy, Meek and Lowly,

Though hast brought me to the valley of vision,

where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;

hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.

 

Let me learn by paradox

that the way down is the way up,

that to be low is to be high,

that the broken heart is the healed heart,

that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,

that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,

that to have nothing is to possess all,

that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,

that to give is to receive,

that the valley is the place of vision.

 

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,

and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

 

Let me find thy light in my darkness,

thy life in my death,

thy joy in my sorrow,

thy grace in my sin,

thy riches in my poverty

thy glory in my valley.

~The Valley of Vision

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Contented

Jul 6, 2010 by desiringvirtue

Last night my sister-in-law and I were talking about how envious we can be of couples our age who already have homes (house homes, not apartment homes). After all, we could be such better hostesses if we just had more room to fit more people. For instance, just think of the wonderful holiday dinners I could host if I had a table that sat more than four people! We noted that the desire to have a house doesn’t usually poke up its head until we are visiting someone else’s house… then our apartments are seen for what they really are: depressingly small.

“Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.” -Galatians 5

Have you ever realized that you just can’t live without something even though you’ve been living without that very thing just fine? It seems like the sins of envy and discontent are permanently hibernating within my soul waiting to be awakened by the sight of a sparkly new toaster, a smart phone, a house, a larger dining room table. My life is happy and peaceful until my eyes lay hold of a new item that I simply must have. Then the turbulence rises within my heart and cries out “I really really need that;” my thoughts begin to revolve around it, and soon I am enslaved to it.

About a month ago I was helping my brother and his wife move into their new apartment down the road. It is their first home together and they have tons of beautiful, new kitchen utensils and appliances. I couldn’t help but envy their sharper than sharp knives or their four slotted toaster that has an option for bagels! Soon everything I had in my kitchen seemed like garage sale fodder.

“For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.”-Ephesians 5

What do we say about God when we have such thoughts? Surely when I spurn the things he has given me and chase after the things he has withheld I proclaim loudly that he hasn’t given me the good stuff. If he hasn’t given me the good stuff, then is he good?

“Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” -Matthew 6

God is good. Good is God. He defines what is perfect and beautiful and lovely. His very nature is all that is good. He doesn’t give out second rate blessings or less than wonderful gifts. All that I have is from him and therefore it is perfect. He is the only one who knows me for who I truly am. He knows my needs, desires, and my shortcomings. Not only that, but he knows my future! His gifts are perfect because they come from the one who knows exactly what I need and when I need it. Just as he gives me what I truly need, he withholds the things I don’t need. He doesn’t just have my desires in mind, but my soul, my good.

Laying in bed last night, staring into the face of my beautiful little boy (peacefully sleeping in the co-sleeper next to me), I thanked God for the countless gifts he has given me. From the important ones like my sons to the simple ones like a comfortable bed to sleep in. He has withheld nothing from me, nothing that is for my good. I’ve got plenty of the good stuff.

“I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” -Philippians 4

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The Resurrected Life

May 18, 2010 by desiringvirtue

“For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.” ~Romans 6:5-11

Last week was hard.

Pregnancy was weighing.

Elliot was crying.

I was tired.

Elliot was teething.

I was frustrated.

Elliot was screaming.

I cried.

Then I read this post and was reminded of my Savior.

I was reminded of Romans 6:5-11 and Colossians 3:1-4.

“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” ~Colossians 3:1-4

The Holy Spirit made my spirit rejoice when I didn’t want to.

My heart found its footing at the side of my resurrected King.

My God reminded me of my resurrection.

And that was more than enough.

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Not a Care in the World

Jan 20, 2010 by desiringvirtue

One night as we were sitting around marveling at our son who was contentedly grinning from ear to ear, Richard made the simple statement: Look at him, he doesn’t have a care in the world! This statement came amidst a conversation about jobs, tuition, and homes. In comparison, our lives certainly seem full of “cares.”

In my heart however, this mother knows that her little boy is full of cares, though they may seem small and insignificant compared to our own. They revolve around food and being alone and being stuck in a car seat longer than desired. They usually are a result of a lack of knowledge or understanding. He doesn’t realize that the bottle he’s so desirous of is just minutes away in the microwave, or that he must be strapped into a car seat for his own safety. These are things that we know, but he doesn’t. As a result he gets mad, angry, worried, or upset. If only he could learn to trust his loving parents and believe that they always have his good in mind, that they will always take care of him, that they want for him to be happy.

You can see where I am going with this can’t you? We are all too much like that little child who doesn’t understand why his parents are making him sit buckled into that car seat way longer than desired. We are just like that little baby who doesn’t believe that the bottle is on its way until it is in its mouth. To our Lord and Heavenly Father our cares and worries seem so small, so easily taken care of, so obviously necessary at times. We fret over jobs when he controls every company in the world. We worry over finances when he owns every treasury on the planet. We grow frustrated when we are forced to wait for something that the Lord is obviously holding back for a reason.

Our cares may seem more weighty, but to God they are just as simple, just as needless. He is intimately acquainted with them and has not forgotten or overlooked what concerns our hearts.

“I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Luke 12:4-7 (bold me)

“And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds!  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his  kingdom, and these things will be added to you.”  Luke 12:22-31 (bold me)

We serve a powerful and loving God. It is good that he is powerful because it means that he can do anything! He can open up that new job for you; he can provide the money you need to meet your budget; he can provide the road for you to accomplish your goals.

He can.

But sometimes he doesn’t.

Sometimes he takes longer than we would like him to.

Sometimes he gives us something different.

That is why it is important that he is a loving God. He isn’t up there in the sky playing pranks on us, or musing over how we mess up our lives. He loves us. He loves us. He knows what is best for us. Sometimes he joyfully gives us exactly what we desire. Sometimes he knows that what we desire isn’t good for us or for others. Sometimes he desires to teach us something as we wait for him. Sometimes he has something better in mind.

But he always has the best thing in mind.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,  for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (bold mine)

So, if you are in a place where you feel the cares and anxieties of the world weighing on your shoulders remember that you have a loving Father who is bigger than your “problems.” In fact, he is orchestrating those problems for your good. He is using them for purposes you may not be able to see and only asks that you trust him. Trust the one who holds the universe in the palm of his hand and loved you enough to die for you.

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Extremes

Dec 11, 2009 by desiringvirtue

My latest reading endeavor? Hudson Taylor’s Spiritual Secrets. I can’t tell you how much biographies have and continue to play a part in my spiritual formation. Reading accounts of people who chose to live for a better Kingdom by sacrificing ALL for a better King stirs in my soul an appetite for higher, loftier things. What is it about these people that makes them so unique? How do they manage to do such glorious works for the Lord and usher so many others closer to his throne? I believe that one of the greatest character qualities that they posses is their willingness to go to extremes for the sake of the Kingdom. It is their total abandon to God and passion for him and him alone.

When Mr. Taylor began to prepare for his calling to China he purposefully lived in a way that would prepare both his spirit and his body. Rice and Oatmeal became his ritual meals, he slept on a hard mat rather than a feather bed, he moved from a comfortable home to a shack among the poor. He knew that the Lord would require him to live upon His provision alone while in China and wanted to begin testing himself before he even left his home country. He prayed persistently and with great faith for all of his needs.

“At Hull my kind employer wished me to remind him whenever my salary became due. This I determined not to do directly, but to ask that God would bring the fact to his recollection, and thus encourage me by answering prayer.”

He wanted to test his faith in the Lord’s ability to answer his prayers. And so week after week he would pray that his employer would be prompted to pay his tiny wage and when he didn’t, he trusted that the Lord would provide all that he needed in the meantime.

I think that I would be much more likely to see this to be an unnecessary exercise of faith, after all there were times when he was close to starvation! Rather than give up the luxuries of home prematurely I think I would be tempted to gorge myself on Chick-fil-A and Pappasito’s minutes before my departure!

These exercises of faith were not necessary, but they were profitable. In my opinion, this is the difference between people who do amazing things for God and those who don’t. Normally we tend to do what we must, rather than what we could do. What if, instead of spending hundreds and even thousands of dollars on Christmas gifts we gave that money to the hungry people who live just miles down the road from us and shared the love of Christ (the one we are celebrating by the way) with them? We don’t have to but we could. What if we chose to live on much less than we make so that we could give more to the missionaries who are carrying the message of salvation to people who are on the road to Hell? We don’t have to, but we could. What if a boyfriend and girlfriend gave up kissing or even touching because they realized that the temptation was simply too great and they would rather do nothing physical than invite sin into their relationship? They don’t have to, but they could. What if a family purposefully moved to a lower income neighborhood even though they could afford much more just to be able to reach out to those families and relate to them in a way that would be impossible while living in the suburbs? They don’t have to, but they could. What if instead of filling our minds with the entertainment of this world every night we chose to fill it with the Word of God? We don’t have to but we could.

There are so many obvious choices that we make every day that are either sinful or not, but then there are other choices that we rarely think about. Choices that require discipline, denial, and sacrifice. They don’t come to mind very quickly, but they may make the difference between living the status quo and doing miraculous things.

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Wanting What He Chooses to Withhold

Nov 20, 2009 by desiringvirtue

Tantrums are a part of every childhood I suppose. The overwhelming urge to make known your anger explodes into a fit of screams and bodily jerks until you finally realize you aren’t changing anything or worse, your tantrum actually does get you what you want. Elliot has just begun this stage of his childhood and I am already seeing the very real sin nature that we are all born with. Something as simple as a baby gate keeping him from interrupting mommy as she puts away the dishes can be the ultimate in agonizing experiences!

Yesterday as this familiar scene was unfolding in my kitchen I couldn’t help but laugh as Elliot expressed his sheer outrage. Before I walked into the kitchen he had no interest in it and there is nothing particularly wonderful about the kitchen when compared to the rest of the apartment. In fact, all of his wonderful toys were on his side of the gate. It was the simple fact that the kitchen was off limits to him that caused so much pain and anguish in his little soul.

I am often like this with my Heavenly Father. Throughout my life there have been things that he has either withheld from me or asked me to wait for and usually, I am less than content in such circumstances. Just like Elliot, all I can see is the thing being withheld from me. The many blessings and joys he has already lavished upon me are furthest from my mind and heart. Like a little child who is stubbornly screaming for what is on the other side of the gate, my heart screams for that which I cannot have. How my Father must look at me in such circumstances with wonder and sadness. How could I not trust him when he has been so faithful to me in the past? Has he not proven that everything he gives, takes and withholds from me is for my best?

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The Joys and Sorrows of Miscarriage

Sep 16, 2009 by desiringvirtue

You may not know that before being pregnant with Elliot, I miscarried our first baby. The miscarriage was THE most horrible and difficult trial of my life. Yet, through it all, in our greatest weakness the Lord gave Richard and I the joy and strength that we lacked. Our faith was never more real than in those most horrible moments. When you miscarry, the pain does not end after your baby leaves your body; it continues for days, months, and even years after. One of the greatest blessings a woman can be given during this time is the knowledge that someone else knows exactly how she feels. Knowing that another woman has known the pain, and felt the very real presence of the Lord during it, is an encouragement like none other. That is why I have asked a dear friend, Sarah, to share her testimony of the Lord’s faithfulness to her through her recent miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy. I am confident that her Biblical, God honoring testimony will be a blessing to every woman who reads it.

I am most thankful for the opportunity to share about one of the most difficult, yet most peaceful trials of my life. I do hope that this can be of an encouragement to someone else who is experiencing or has experienced the pain of miscarrying a pregnancy.

First I would like to share that I have a 5 year old little girl. I never had any complications with her at all during pregnancy, so when the Lord blessed us with a second pregnancy, I was not even thinking of the possibility that something could go wrong. I was about 5 weeks along when I started experiencing some symptoms that had my doctor concerned. Because I was so early, there was nothing that she could really tell me. We had to wait. It was about 3-4 weeks later when my doctor had determined that the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks.

This few weeks of waiting on the Lord was the most difficult yet most peaceful time of my life. My doctor was not very optimistic that the baby would make it, I had to battle thoughts in my mind. I couldn’t think about “what will I do if we lose the baby?” Or even making plans in my mind if everything was fine. I had to stay completely in the “middle” of these two thoughts and just trust the Lord. I had to be completely content with not knowing. I had to be content to wait. It was absolutely beautiful waiting in the arms of my creator, knowing that even though I didn’t know the outcome, and my doctor didn’t know the outcome, He knew. He created this precious little life inside of my womb, and it was His creation and He had it all under control. When my doctor told me that the baby was gone I had an incredible peace about it. God’s grace was with me and covered me in that moment.

The night after I had my DNC, I could not sleep. I was wide awake and all of these scriptures were pouring through my mind! Scriptures about who God is and His faithfulness. Scriptures like “Now see that I, even I, am He, and there is no God besides Me; I kill and I make alive; I wound and I heal; Nor is there any who can deliver from my hand.” (Deut. 32:39) This gave me great comfort to remember that God is always in control of every situation in our lives. Even the most painful things that we experience are all by the hand of our loving Father. “It is good for me that I have been afflicted, that I may learn your statutes. The law of your mouth is better to me than thousands of coins of gold and silver… Those who fear you will be glad when they see me, because I have hoped in Your word. I know, O Lord, that your judgments are right; and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.” (Ps 119:71-75) I knew that it was for my good and His faithfulness He had given me this trial. I had never been more close to the Lord than these past few weeks of waiting on Him. “Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful creator.” (1 Pet. 4:19)  There was no doubt that this was the will of the Lord for my life and for the life of my little one that He had blessed me with. The Lord also gently reminded me of a scripture I had memorized as a teenager. At the time I really didn’t understand it, though now, it held so much meaning for me. “Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Ps 73:25-26)

The Lord was so faithful to keep me nestled close to Him during that time. I knew that His strength was with me and I had nothing to fear. I did go through a grieving process that I did not quite expect. Through it all, when I felt so broken hearted, He was there with encouragement in His word. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy. “ (Pro. 13:13) This verse helped me to understand to grieve is okay. There is a time to grieve, and there would again be a time of rejoicing. We decided to wait about 3 months to try again. When it came time, I was very afraid. I just kept praying and asking the Lord to help me to trust Him again, and to take the fear away and help me be excited about being pregnant again. In His faithfulness, He led me to Colossians 1. These particular verses were talking about the way that we are to walk with the Lord, being worthy of this and fully pleasing Him in everything. Then I read verses 11-12a “Strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and long-suffering with joy, giving thanks to the Father…” He reminded me to be thankful to Him for this trial. To know that He was giving me strength to have joy while I am suffering according to His will! I continued reading in verse 16 “For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him.” God had created this precious little person, this precious gift. Though it was a blessing for me, He created it for Himself. For His own glory through Christ! What a precious thought to think that the Lord would create something invisible to the world around me and that He did it for Himself. This gave me great thankfulness and peace! I could not WAIT to be pregnant again! It encouraged my heart so much that no matter how long a pregnancy lasts, whether a few weeks, a few months, or if I carry to full term, it is a blessing! It is for His glory! What an amazing creator we have!

So today, I am humbly grateful to share that I am 8 weeks pregnant. There are moments when those fearful thoughts pop into my head. In those moments, all I can do is pray. I ask the Lord to help me not to dwell on the lies. I ask the Lord to give me strength and excitement and to trust Him with this baby. I remind myself of all that I have learned and what a true gift it was for me to lose the last baby. If it were not for that incredibly painful trial, I would not have the strengthened faith that I do today. I love Jesus more today because of what I went through. I just think “Whom have I in Heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.”

Thank you for sharing your testimony with us Sarah. It is obvious that the Spirit of God was so active in your life, using the Scriptures to communicate Christ’s love and power.

My prayer is that Sarah’s story will strengthen you through any trial you experience and the scriptures she referenced will be a valuable tool for you when desiring to minister to other sisters in Christ facing difficult times.

Update: A couple weeks after writing this testimony, the Lord allowed Sarah to  miscarry your second baby. Her thoughts and pain regarding her recent trial have been heavily influenced by her past experience and confidence in the Lord’s goodness.  Her faith in the Lord’s love for her has grown tremendously through these trials. Please pray for the Lord’s blessing on her womb and that she would soon enjoy the blessing of a healthy baby.

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The Lord Gives and He Takes Away

Mar 24, 2008 by desiringvirtue

Dear Family and Friends,

As many of you know, on February 25th we miscarried our first baby. I wanted to take a moment to share with you a little bit about our baby and what the Lord has done through him. On January 28th I shared with Richard one of the happiest moments of our lives; it was the day that I told him we were pregnant. You could not have found two people who were more thrilled or thankful. We quickly began to picture our future bundle of joy and all of the many blessing that would result from him. The news spread like wildfire and everyone was able to celebrate with us. Four weeks later, I began to miscarry. An ultrasound showed that the baby was about two weeks behind in development. Though it was approximately eight weeks old, it was only measuring six. And then on the 25th Richard and I shared one of the saddest moments of our lives together.

It is an incredible thing to gain and lose something so precious to you so quickly. I know the pain and sadness of that day will forever be etched in my memory. But as terrible as this experience was and still is for us, the weight and beauty of God’s perfect love gives us great confidence and contentment. We know that this tragedy is not outside of God’s control. It was part of his perfect and loving plan for us. He measured out the days of this baby, just as he has our own. Therefore we rejoice in the amazing gift that this child was to us. Through him we were able to experience many joys: a pregnancy test being positive, the amazement of a human life growing within me, and the joy of knowing that Richard and I created something by the Lord’s grace. His death has helped us to understand so many truths about the Lord more deeply. It is a vivid reminder that all of our days are numbered. We cannot control our lives or our family’s lives any more than a flower can choose where it is planted, when the rain will come and harm it, when the sun will shine upon it, or in what fashion it will die. We must therefore live humbly before the Lord knowing that it is He who is in control of all things and trust in His wisdom. Though we have cried many tears and felt immense sorrow, we are utterly in love with our Lord, Jesus Christ. Through this experience we have found new meaning in the numerous descriptions of Him found in the Bible. He truly has been our rock from which we draw strength. He has been our river of living water from which we have received nourishment for our parched souls. He has been the refuge that we found peace and joy in though all around our world was crumbling. More than anything, he has been a father to us. A father who deeply loves, cares for, and understands us. Though all around us waves of sadness, grief, and fear grew great, our Savior stood to calm them.

Immediately after I miscarried I began to think about the parallel between our loss and the Father’s loss when He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross for our sins. Perhaps now we have a minute understanding of what the words, “he gave his only son” truly mean. God willingly sent His son to die for sinners. We experienced the death of our child, but Christ’s death was infinitely more appalling. Unlike our child, Christ was the perfect God of the universe who suffered a cruel and unjust execution. We loved our baby so much, but our love could never compare to God’s love for His son. His love is without the blemish of sin; it is perfect. And yet the Bible tells us “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son.” Praise the Lord for His sacrifice for sinners! If it was not for his willingness to sacrifice His son, we would be lost and without hope for redemption. Our sins would forever be held against us and would condemn us for eternity. It is because of the truth of God’s love for sinners like us, that Richard and I have been able to accept and find joy in this tragedy. Without it, there is no joy and there is no peace. We pray that if this letter finds you without an understanding of this truth you would search it out diligently. Read the gospel of John and pray that the Lord would open your eyes and lead you to repentance.

We would like to thank all of you who have so diligently prayed for us. Know that the Lord heard you and His Spirit ministered greatly to us (and still is) as a result of your prayers. The Lord has provided in so many ways, both physically and emotionally. My mother was able to be with us through the whole miscarriage which was a tremendous comfort and service. Many of you have not only prayed for us, but graciously sent cards, letters, flowers, gift cards, even money to help us get through this unexpected time. We are not worthy of such grace and thank you all from the bottom of our hearts. We love you and hope that this little glimpse into our hearts will encourage you as you seek to know the risen Lord.

Love always,

Richard and Jessalyn Hutto

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